As of late, I have no fucking clue what’s been going on. I’ve been making a habit of taking mental notes of what people have been saying and doing, as if they where being out of character and needed it for future reference. When I get myself into this frenzy I just generally just talk in monotone and just half-heartidly laugh for no reason and get this nasty knack for pessimism. Obviously, when I answered the phone half-heartidy with my Dad, he knew somethings up. Normally it’s a usual “Hiyaa, yeah im great, okay then – yadda yadda” Call over. Even the news that my baby sibling of 20 weeks is going to be a girl, didn’t cheer me up in the slightest. I’ve been feeling less then friendly lately, I’ve even given up so much so with an ongoing situation that I let someone else deal with my deal. I’m just so tired emotionally of all these mind-games.

It’s messed me about so much that it’s making me assume the worst in the very man I indeed intend to spend the rest of my life with. Anyone can tell you, being skeptical just isn’t my deal. This time last year I met somebody who at the time was a very integral part of my being, and over the year – it make me shrink into myself. This constant questioning of my life choices, the people I see, the man I’m dating, why I’m not spending time with him, why won’t I agree to marry him/be the mother of his children/date him if I so happen to be single when I’m 18/21 – is just suffocating me so much so that I can’t even look Chris in the eye much anymore.

The person in question, however much he loves me and wants me to mother his children just cannot understand the fact that my advances are nothing more then civil. Of course I want to talk to him, he was a big part of my life – and we’ve been though so much more then alot over the months. I’d go so far as to say I still consider him a best friend at heart. He’s been there for me when things between me and Chris wheren’t so great (Even though some would argue it was his fault things got so bad between us in the first place), but now he’s doing nothing but making me question myself. And you should never allow anyone to make you do that ever. The constant “I want to marry you and that will never change” conversations on his behalf are just making me feel so low because I could never feel that way. Unrequited love is one of the hardest things you can ever feel, trust me I know. I feel like such a bellend. All I want is friendship and he wants everything but.

The coping mechanism inside me has snapped, something’s going wrong and no matter how much I pour my heart out and try to understand the situation, I just can’t for the life of me. It’s got so bad I’m finding myself picking fights with Chris because I’m afraid of everything. I don’t want to let this negative side of me shine through and my only devoidable option is to put on my face and just let it out when I get home. – Sooner or later I’m just gonna destroy somebody.

I don’t know what it is. I guess it’s just coming back to what I left behind, the lack of friends – lack of people I trust, obviously coming back with an injured foot has probably fucked up my chances of getting out and about even more for the rest of this summer. I’ve missed out on so much over the last year, I’m missing out on things now. Because I’m so set in old ways… I just can’t break old habits, and I’m still hurting the people I love.

On my knees, I’ll ask, Last chance for one last dance. Cause with you, I’d withstand, All of hell to hold your hand. I’d give it all, I’d give for us. Give anything but I won’t give up, Cause you know, you know, you know…

 Well, I’m finally home from my holidays, wasn’t the best week I’ve ever had, if anything it was pretty piss poor. The location was amazing and I should have made the most of it. But I soon grew bored of go-karting (It was on my doorstep D:) and sitting around on the balcony offending the passers-by with death metal. (Black Dahlia Murder, I love you <3) 

A Tragedy (in my eyes) beheld me sunday morning (one day into the holiday D:) I took a tumble off the dance machine in the hotel arcade.. between that and the floor there was the tiniest step you’d probably ever see, me being the dosey twat and wearing converse that are too big for me tripped between the two and blacked out. Woke up with my sister crying and NO HELP what-so-ever…. then awaited 15 minutes for first aid to be strapped up and told it was nothing severe….

…two hours later… my foot was a little black, with an 18 mile drive to the closest hospital… after x-rays and such, they discovered i’d ripped my tendon in my left foot to the extent it was clinging to the bone for dear life… poor foot! Did enjoy being pushed around in a wheelchair for the extent of my stay however I’m on crutches for a few weeks, (Pah!) Now missing Bloodstock, and a few other gigs Guess it’s my own fault for rushing around! haha!!

Well, my idealistic dream of bumming around till I got the chance to move to Ireland kinda shattered today – I couldn’t sit around wondering about the state of my portfolio anymore, so I bit the bullet and went to my local Connexions. I’ve always hated those places, ever since school. Everywhere you look you’ve got professionals thinking their in-tune with the teenage mind – kinda like those mindless Barclay’s adverts. “Tutors” and “Personal Advisers” wafting tacky pink careers representation mouse-mats in your face. I could put up with the mouse-mats, and the scarily purple tinted free condom advertisements…

I think my nerves started kicking in when we where in Subway, I get of a nervous disposition when talking to professionals about my aspirations, sometimes they just have that mocking tone about them :/ At times I get like my brother David, I know what I want to say but my brain works faster then my mouth and I just get tongue-tied – and then I get frustrated and give up trying to explain. Luckily I had someone who knows me better then anyone sat right next to me, so when I was at a loss, I just looked at him and he could finish my sentence. It was just such a major comfort, and I can’t thank him enough for being there for me today.

I’ve been so lost the last few days, I’m so used to depending on other people to prop me up because I have everyone elses weight on my shoulders… now there’s no weight, it feels so strange being self-sufficient. I’m so proud of what I achived today, even if other people didn’t seem so enthusiastic about it. I’m pushing myself harder then ever now, and I can’t stop smiling – even if there’s been nights where I’m a sorry sobbing state. I just feel like I’m at a loss inside myself. Thankfully I don’t have to waste my summer dredding facing the wankers at Hinckley Tech, and Look forward to my holiday next week and loving me for me.

The last week I’ve really clawed back my independance. Yeah, I miss him like hell, but if it’s making me jump into sorting my life out faster, then maybe I should do it more often.

Interview on the 23rd August!!
xx

(Ps. Thankyou so much! (: )

Yeah, I’ve gave up but I just don’t have the desires or the want to go to college anymore. I’m fed up with having this whole education ideal shoved down my throat. What is the point in slogging your life away doing something you don’t wanna do or take pride in doing? I’d rather work and find a course that suits me better then the one I’m doing now, and aside from the obvious (favouritism, egotism, ect) amongst the lechurer’s, I just don’t enjoy the atmosphere there.

I just don’t enjoy the college life in general. I don’t enjoy the pressures from the ridiculous amount of deadlines put upon you, some months you’d be doing 8 projects at once, I just can’t handle that kinda tension – and have a life at the same time. Not saying the life I have now over-rides my priorities in my future, but my life atm is very empty. I’ve lost alot of friends, I lost trust and faith from family members, tbh, there are some-days where I feel so lost inside myself. I’ve trapped myself into a life that is polar opposite to what it used to be pre-college - I’ve grown to be someone I dispise, and that’s the honest truth.

No matter how much I smile and say I’m fine, I’m not, I’m the lowest I’ve been in months. Days like today where I’m sitting around in the summer sun with a pint in my hand, watching one of my best friend’s smile the biggest grin that she has done in months really makes me appreciate what I have. The time spent with Chris makes it all the more worth-while. I would just like the time to work, build myself back up again. Do night classes’ and work my ass off for some a-levels. 

I’m looking into the idea atm, but I don’t wanna go back to that BTEC, it’s just not me. It’s not me at all. It’s dragged me down and turned me into someone I don’t wanna be anymore.

1. I eat, breathe and pretty much only eat Subways.
(Italian BMT on Italian herb & Cheese, toasted with extra cheese, Njom!)

2. I currently suffer from a type of blood poisoning called ‘Toxoplasmoisis’. I was diognosed with an Acute form of the disease on March 8th, 2002. Since then I’ve had 2 operations which has resulted in me missing both my Anterior cervical and Posterior cervical lymph nodes. I also have to be tested every 6 months for the cancer Lymphoma. As of today I have the Latent form of the parasite, and it is uncertain whetever I am able to have children.

3. I have a pretty messed up body clock, I rarely sleep during the night, and I feel extremely groggy unless I’ve had 15+ hours of sleep.

4. I had an account of GBH put on my police record at the age of 11. Some bog rat in my year tried to start on me, so I handed her ass to her on a plate. However, I never really was a violent child…

5. I am currently dating/seeing an absolutely gorgeous dude, however it’s supposed to be a kinda secret, so I won’t enclose his name (: However, he mean’s so much more to me now then he ever has done before.

6. My claim to fame was burnt in a school fire when I was 8. I came silver in Nuneaton’s Festival Of Arts that year.

7. I dislike having people sitting behind me, which is why I always opt to sit against walls or at the back of the classroom. I’ve become real fickle about it lately, it’s even come to me sleeping against the wall in my bedroom.

8. I’ve been blessed by my German anestors with the harshest temperments known to man. Along with this, I’m a Cancer star-sign, which makes me a moody bastard who has too much emotion. The bright side is I’m a brilliant cook (:

“Now turn to me and explicame ya. (Explain to me now) Just speak to me te lo pido yo. (I ask you) If you live for me pues protejeme ya. (Then protect me now)”

And he explained that the song explained how he felt, “I’ll stand by you always, Ill always listen to you, Ill always protect you =)” And I cried. I cried like a little girl ahahaha. Nights like these make me realise how fucking lucky I am that he’s back. x

Perhaps I worry a little too much about what’s going on with the people around us (us meaning myself and him) not so much about myself, but about change, and how this has all affected him. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like I generated alot of thing’s that have happened by even laying eyes on him, because God Forbid I’m not allowed to! Really pisses me off when girls do that! The last week has just been so amazing, I had this set idea that Chris was gone for good… I think maybe he was for a little while. I get so stubborn in my mind sets that things will be a certain way and stay like that.

But then, I didn’t know him then like I do now, maybe I fell a little too hard too fast, he is, literally everything I wasted the last 14 months of my life looking for, cliche, cliche – but what makes them so brilliant is that fact that they are almost always true. I don’t know. I get scared and anxious, and argh, all kinda things, there’s been so much going on that my heads still reeling. Sometimes I feel I push it too much, sometimes I feel like I don’t give him enough time or care. There’s something holding me back deep down, and I can feel it even when I try my hardest to ignore it. I care for him more then anything in this world, and if I could tell him that I would, but I can’t because part of me still feels betrayed. I need to get over it, I can’t stop kicking myself enough for it. And until I do, I’m scared things will just go down the way they did before.

It just seems I can’t change the part of my heart that’s still hurting, I hate it – I hate it so much.

Went to Coventry this morning with Laura & Her new squeeze, had fun raving up the A444 – with archers in hand of course! It was nice to see the British weather was on my side, considering I had to shop in a months worth of rain, which really wasn’t that fun!

Collected a good bit of money off my dad for my birthday, It was supposed to go towards driving lessons, but some kerfuffle with my name means I’m currently some sort of a skitzoprenic. Gotta wait for that to get sorted and stuffs, and I only have about 50 quid left anyway :O Did the usual shopping & Pizza Hut combo, though the Pepsi gave me gas and I was burping for quite a while afterwards lmao, of course, Gary got the strange looks/evil glares. Which I took delight in Had the most amazing b-day gift ever though, Chris made me a storybook and wrapped it in about 3 miles of masking tape haha! It was so beautiful and I couldn’t stop hugging him! The sweetest gift I have genuinely ever received from anyone!

The night overall – well what can I say other then amazing? The british weather, again, makes everything brilliant… Panic Cell got stuck on the motorway and almost didn’t make it, and our first band didn’t! People lost piercings and parts of the flesh attached with them… but yeah, good night lol. The bands all put on such a gobstopping show, Luke from Panic Cell dragged my ass up on stage and made everyone shout happy birthday, he was drenched in sweat and insisted on hugging me really tightly! haha! I adored every second, even got clung to whilst they played Rebel Yell!. I was disappointed with the people who promised to turn up and didn’t. Which consisted of everyone apart from my two best friends, (Chris and Chris!) and a few others. It was great to see Chucky (another Chris!) and the others, and a good handful of people I hadn’t seen since last summer. I felt let down in a way, but the night was amazing and I didn’t want to let it bring me down. It’s a shame people don’t give a fuck anymore, but I don’t care if they don’t. It’s as simple as that!