:These things I’ll never say;

My dad, although never the saint in my eyes, gave me a surprising phone call today. Surprising in the matter that he noticed my stress and irritability in a matter of seconds. I say surprising – surely he’s the man that brought me into the world therefore he knows me better then anyone? Surprising is the fact I’ve heard from him more the last few weeks then I have in the last year…

As of late, I have no fucking clue what’s been going on. I’ve been making a habit of taking mental notes of what people have been saying and doing, as if they where being out of character and needed it for future reference. When I get myself into this frenzy I just generally just talk in monotone and just half-heartidly laugh for no reason and get this nasty knack for pessimism. Obviously, when I answered the phone half-heartidy with my Dad, he knew somethings up. Normally it’s a usual “Hiyaa, yeah im great, okay then – yadda yadda” Call over. Even the news that my baby sibling of 20 weeks is going to be a girl, didn’t cheer me up in the slightest. I’ve been feeling less then friendly lately, I’ve even given up so much so with an ongoing situation that I let someone else deal with my deal. I’m just so tired emotionally of all these mind-games.

It’s messed me about so much that it’s making me assume the worst in the very man I indeed intend to spend the rest of my life with. Anyone can tell you, being skeptical just isn’t my deal. This time last year I met somebody who at the time was a very integral part of my being, and over the year – it make me shrink into myself. This constant questioning of my life choices, the people I see, the man I’m dating, why I’m not spending time with him, why won’t I agree to marry him/be the mother of his children/date him if I so happen to be single when I’m 18/21 – is just suffocating me so much so that I can’t even look Chris in the eye much anymore.

The person in question, however much he loves me and wants me to mother his children just cannot understand the fact that my advances are nothing more then civil. Of course I want to talk to him, he was a big part of my life – and we’ve been though so much more then alot over the months. I’d go so far as to say I still consider him a best friend at heart. He’s been there for me when things between me and Chris wheren’t so great (Even though some would argue it was his fault things got so bad between us in the first place), but now he’s doing nothing but making me question myself. And you should never allow anyone to make you do that ever. The constant “I want to marry you and that will never change” conversations on his behalf are just making me feel so low because I could never feel that way. Unrequited love is one of the hardest things you can ever feel, trust me I know. I feel like such a bellend. All I want is friendship and he wants everything but.

The coping mechanism inside me has snapped, something’s going wrong and no matter how much I pour my heart out and try to understand the situation, I just can’t for the life of me. It’s got so bad I’m finding myself picking fights with Chris because I’m afraid of everything. I don’t want to let this negative side of me shine through and my only devoidable option is to put on my face and just let it out when I get home. – Sooner or later I’m just gonna destroy somebody.

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:Another Day In Quicksand;

Hmm well, I’ve been home 5 and a half hours, and something doesn’t feel right.

I don’t know what it is. I guess it’s just coming back to what I left behind, the lack of friends – lack of people I trust, obviously coming back with an injured foot has probably fucked up my chances of getting out and about even more for the rest of this summer. I’ve missed out on so much over the last year, I’m missing out on things now. Because I’m so set in old ways… I just can’t break old habits, and I’m still hurting the people I love.

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